It is snowing like crazy here. I thought for a little excercise we could laugh a bit since this subject is motorcyle related. Oh buy the way copy and paste still works! By Ron Burk You've heard it discussed around the campfires..you've talked about it with your closest friends. You heard it at the Southern Enduro Rider's Banquet... but here it is again for you lucky folks who missed it. I want you to be the first to hear about the real solution to a very serious matter. It is so serious that the people who suffer from this painful ailment will hardly ever admit to having it or even discuss it with even their families... we're talking here about "Monkey Butt", sometimes known as Baboon Butt. For those of you who have never experienced this bad boy butt, "Baboon" is that chaffed and irritating red buttocks condition experienced by all motorcycle riders. You sit on that seat for hours on end and all of a sudden..... there it is eating you up..... from the bottom up. A national organization is being formed for all the sufferers and it will be known as NABBS..."National Association of Baboon Butt Sufferers". There is a National Hotline...1-800-BAD-BUTT. It is my pleasure and honor tonight to identify this year's NABBS Poster Person of the Year. He was our bronze medalist in the ISDE and by his own admission, Mr. Bad Butt for 1994, congratulations goes to Larry White. Larry will receive a plaque in honor of his selection. It will read, "To Larry White, congratulations on being selected for this honor and to represent NABBS as a poster person for 1995. Hats off to his "REDNESS"." His Chafness will be signing autographs and giving free samples of BBO (Baboon Butt Ointment) at the mall this weekend. He will not, contrary to rumors, help you apply it. Someone has finally developed a scientifically proven cure and treatment for the "BUTT". It's been decades in the making and it's finally here. It's called "NABBS Approved Monkey Butt Treatment Kit". And you people are to be the first to hear about it. The kit is available right now for just $39.95 complete! Here's what you get in the long-awaited kit: Padded riding shorts soaked with Novocain. The more you sweat the more numb your butt gets. Does not prevent Baboon Butt but makes having it more fun. Fanny Pak/Ointment Treatment Combo. All you do is gently press the hair trigger on the Fanny Pak and BBO (Baboon Butt Ointment) is fired from a 410 gauge shell directly at your affected area at 250 feet per second. This is enough force to lift any 250 pound open-class rider at least 6 feet off his bike seat. It coats and soothes while giving you that much needed lift. 24 individual 410 powered BBO capsules for your Pak. Instructions are included... but we men never read them anyway. 6 hypodermic syringes with 150 mg of pure morphine to inject in your muscles for those really serious cases. These could also be used (and are recommended) for those times when the ointment gun misfires. Warning! Using this medicine in way other than those specifically called for on our labels could give you incredible test section scores. 6 Tear Gas Canisters for controlling someone else you may meet in a bog hole already stricken with Baboon Butt who hates everybody... especially you. I know you're wondering how this guy knows your mother. 35,000 volt Stun Gun is also included in case the tear gas doesn't stop him or in case you bust a check... when applied to the neck area of the checker makes him think you were on zero. Also can be used to jump start KTMs. Also included if you order right now, a do it yourself root canal kit. Gets your mind off your butt. Also, a special offer for you sadomasochists out there... a large tube of Ben Gay to be applied sparingly to the affected area. Comes with a large muffling cloth for your screams, and is environmentally safe when used as directed. AND, if you order 2 complete kits, we will include flavored and chewable Cyanide Capsules for those extremely bad cases of the baboon or for most anything that's bothering you. Give one to your neighbor or the guy who keeps beating you at the races. Instruction Manual with a special Braille section for those who are in so much pain they can't even see. Also available in cassette and CD versions that include "Yo Moma" telling you to give up that motorcycle mess before it's too late and for a limited time, last rites performed by a real priest. CALL NOW! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY...SAVE THE BUTT! 1-800-BAD-BUTT.....Ask for Stinky, No checks!